Steve August 3, 2020

And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.

Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

My husband bought candy corn at the grocery store. Does anybody know if you can return husbands?

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 2, 2020

Me, when husband play cards on his iPhone: “I don’t know why he wastes so much time on that stupid phone.”

Also Me: *wastes 2 hours watching YouTube clips of wild turkeys attacking mail carriers*

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 22, 2020

[cleaning out the fridge]

me: I’ll throw this hummus away

wife: what’s the expiration?

me: August 5..

wife: that’s not too bad

me: ..2019

wife: wtf

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 27, 2020

My husband popped in from work and surprised me. After whispering a sexy suggestion to him he whispered back, “I was just in the area and I really gotta poop.”

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) July 25, 2020

My wife just sighed from the other room, so I won’t be leaving this room anytime soon.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 21, 2020


— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 25, 2020

My wife went to Target without me (betrayal) but she came home with a stick vacuum that I’m now cradling in my arms like a newborn baby (redemption). Loving her character arc today.

— Lucy Bexley 🏳️‍🌈 (@bexley_lucy) July 26, 2020

Wife: Today was awful.

Me: Tomorrow is a new day.

Wife: Is that a threat?

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 31, 2020

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) August 2, 2020

I asked my wife for pancakes and bacon this morning, she said make it yourself, and that’s how I ended up with cereal again.

— Forward March (@RunOldMan) July 24, 2020

Sent my wife nudes and she asked if she could pop that zit later.

— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) July 25, 2020

Sometimes I just like to eat some tater chips in bed but I’m not a fan of the crumbs so I just brush ‘em on over to my husband’s side for a nice crunchy surprise when he climbs into bed. It’s a pretty good set-up if you ask me.

— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) July 24, 2020

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 28, 2020

Husband and I are quarantined in separate rooms awaiting Covid test results. His texts

-I miss you

-I wish I had a sandwich

-Is there any Gatorade left

-What if I’m positive and you’re not

-What if you’re pos and I’m not

-are you letting the dog sleep in the bed w/u

-whatcha doin

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 24, 2020

I’m sitting in our hot tub sipping mimosas watching my husband mow. I occasionally wave and smile. I want him to feel supported and loved so that he’ll keep mowing.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) July 25, 2020

My wife sent me a pic of her patching drywall in a backwards hat and cut off t-shirt and this is the lesbian content that I’m sticking around for.

— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) July 28, 2020

A neverending disagreement my wife and I have is do you add the creamer before the coffee is poured, or the wrong way by adding it after it’s poured?

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 28, 2020

If you’re on the fence about having kids, just know this:

My husband & I are sitting in the car, in the driveway, so we can talk uninterrupted for maybe 2 minutes.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 1, 2020

I just stubbed my toe and said “I hate it here!” but because my husband is not really on the internet, he took it kinda personally.

— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) July 31, 2020

My husband just looked up and pointed out a white puffy cloud in the shape of a New Balance shoe and I think he’s finally ascending to the highest level of dad.

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) July 26, 2020

Me: Is it warm out?

Wife: OMG go outside and check, I’m not your personal meteorologist.

Me: Fine. [goes outside, checks temperature, comes back in]

Wife: Is it warm out?

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 29, 2020

In case you’re wondering how well I’ve maintained my looks my husband asked what fancy place I was going to because I put a cardigan on. Over my pajamas.

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 26, 2020

Me: I think we should switch to vermi-composting

My wife: What?

Me: You know, worms

My wife: It’s 4 am, I will literally pay you to go back to sleep right now

— Lucy Bexley 🏳️‍🌈 (@bexley_lucy) August 2, 2020

Marriage year 1: Your sneezes are so cute.

Marriage year 10: For the love of God! I hope your head explodes.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 22, 2020

There could literally be a bag of gold doubloons in the back row of the refrigerator, and my husband still wouldn’t bother to move the milk and orange juice out of the way to reach it.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 28, 2020

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