Yes, I’m asexual. No, I don’t want any more tone-deaf questions or advice about it
I’m Malvika, and I began to understand and embrace my asexuality in my early twenties.
To be accepted by loved ones makes me feel grateful, and with those I haven’t come out to yet I am understanding of their personal sentiments or their lack of awareness.
However, what does grind on my patience are the tone-deaf questions asked not with the intent of understanding asexuality, but trying to find reasons to fit me in a box that I’ve made clear I don’t fit into. Here are some of the questions and pieces of unsolicited advice I’ve received over the years, and why they need to stop!
“How do you know you’re asexual if you’ve never tried it before?”
“Why? Did something bad happen to you?”
Now, I understand the concern and intention behind the question, but why does trauma have to be the only answer to my sexual aversion? This isn’t to discount the pain of those who may have suffered abuse or bad experiences with intimacy undeservingly, but that isn’t always the reason. So, no a traumatic experience with sex and intimacy didn’t make me asexual – in fact nothing made my asexuality, I simply am and that should be enough of an explanation.
“You’re lying! Of course, you’ve been attracted to someone atleast once – haven’t you?”
“But I want to see you in love! You’d be so cute in a relationship.”
“You’ll need company/ someone to look after you in your old age.”
Whether this refers to marriage and kids or just the companionship of a partner, needing someone in your old age shouldn’t be the reason for any relationship. Especially if it’s not something someone wants. Some people – maybe asexual or not – just happy single, it’s a choice only they should make. Your opinion is fine, but don’t force it on someone else.